Jesus is my Rug of Choice

North Baltimore, I may have hit the big time! Don’t tell my roommates, but I recently snatched up what could be a very lucrative and life-changing piece of mail sent to our address.

No, it’s not any of that “you may already be a winner” boloney. You’d have to be pretty gullible to fall for that nonsense. Instead I have, in my possession, what may prove to be the most important innovation ever bestowed upon man:

A magical Jesus prayer rug that grants wishes!

Yes indeed, the noble people at Saint Mathew’s Churches, a mail-based ministry operating out of Tulsa, OK, have blessed me with this folded paper rug featuring a pink printed face of a European Jesus. They have assured me that, with just a few easy steps, all of my desires will be fulfilled.

Looks like I will finally have sufficient evidence to contradict all contemporary scientific understanding.

All I have to do is pray on the rug, keep it overnight in a Bible, check off from a list of desired blessings and send it back with a “seed” donation to get things moving.

Thankfully the list doesn’t include any of that “helping the needy” crap that socialists claim as Christian. The list does offer everything from health, to money, to “a better walk with Jesus." I went ahead and checked them all, because ... why not?

Can you picture me, walking with the big guy? What am I going to wear? Well, an expensive new suit I guess!

You even get to write in the amount of money you want from God! I’m not greedy so I’m going to do a modest six bill, and I’ll likely drop some change into the Salvation Army bucket this Christmas.

I know what you’re thinking, heathen skeptics of North Baltimore. Old Mike’s been duped again. Well, I admit I may have been a little hasty in my public endorsement of Family Radio’s unfulfilled Judgment Day prediction of May, and yes I feel a little silly about investing all my life’s savings (a giant jar of pennies and a collection of Batman Returns trading cards) to that Peter Popoff “Miracle Water and Supernatural Debt Elimination” plan. But I am sure this rug is the real deal. The package they sent even includes several written testimonials. One guy’s throat healed and another got 17 acres of land!

Further, there are several Bible passages the church highlights (Psalms 55:17, Deuteronomy 28:6, etc.) that vaguely promote the promises of Saint Mathew’s if taken in the suggested context!  

If you still don’t believe me, my confused, hell-bound neighbors, you’re not alone in your naivete. I have searched and found other Judas Iscariots out there in cyberspace who question the holy power of the rug.

These skeptical Satanists claim that St. Mathew’s Churches only want recipients to return the rug so they can get their info and start conning them out of money. Also, that they use census records to target the elderly and low-income neighborhoods (uh, I live in Remington, hello?). And that ministry leader Gene Ewing earned $100 million in donations in 2010 alone.

Well, yeah he gets the prayer rug all the time—of course he’s rich.

Thankfully the church itself acknowledges those who attack the organization on its website, pointing out that often the literature “crosses the paths of atheists; communists; drug dealers; criminals; the lunatic fringes of society; those who hate the United States, God and Christianity.”

So that explains that.

Yes indeedy North Baltimore, I am headed for the big time. No more being bound by the boring old physical laws of the universe for me!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a holy paper carpet to stuff into an envelope.

Oh great, my roommate is using the Jesus rug as a placemat.