Note to pedophiles everywhere: if you have pornographic images of children saved on your computer, the employee you paid to fix your computer problems may not put his disdain of child exploitation over his chipper "customer is always right" work ethic. You may want to save that stuff somewhere else or (preferably) make getting psychological help a priority over your tech support. Earlier this year, local deacon, William Steven Albaugh of St. Joseph's Roman Catholic Church on Belair Road, was reportedly snitched on by a Baltimore County Verizon employee who had access to Albaugh's computer. …

On Jan. 1, Maryland became one of nine states to no longer protect its citizens from gay marriage. Though it’s certainly heartwarming to see so many loving couples finally being allowed to tie the knot, we do have to look at things realistically and ask ourselves a difficult question. Are we OK with causing the civilized world to fall apart at the seams and descend into chaos? Now don’t get me wrong North Baltimore, I am no homophobe. Some of my best friends know gay people. It's just the total dissolution of our nation I’m concerned about. We can’t ignore the scores of "traditional" marriage…

On Feb 3, the Baltimore Ravens won their second Super Bowl championship to the ecstatic delight of Baltimoreans and Marylanders the state over. The jubilation was unfortunately sullied just minutes after the victory when Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco, with blatant disregard for the minds and futures of the youths watching at home, did the unthinkable—he said a dirty word on network television. Now I know this is not the type of issue we Americans take lightly, and I completely understand the terror and rage we are all currently experiencing. I mean, how is this not going to change our world …

On Dec. 14, 2012, our nation had its heart shattered into pieces when news broke of the school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut. The second most fatal school shooting in U.S. history was made even more devastating when it was reported that most of the victims were between 5 and 10 years old. As Americans are want to do, loving support quickly poured in from all over the nation in the form of fundraisers, vigils, and promises of a strong-counter protest to block out those sub- humans from the Westborough Baptist Church. When such a heart-wrenching event occurs, it seems near-…

If there is one thing I’ve learned from the Baltimore arts scene, besides how to look fashionable on a yearly clothing budget of $1.50, it’s that any of your artistic passions can come to fruition, at least on a local level. Always wanted to publish a short story? Shred guitar riffs on stage? Create performance art so incomprehensibly pretentious that we’ll all just assume you’re a genius? Well, our city has a whole community ready and willing to help you achieve you dreams. Heck, you can even write a humor column for an AOL owned, regional, online newspaper, without proper education or any …

As you or may or may not know North Baltimore, your favorite local humor columnist (what? no, I’m talking about me) is technically not a B-more native. Though I am kin to the great Otterbein Sugar Cookie legacy, I spent most of my childhood in Harrisonburg, VA; home of NBA great Ralph Sampson, as well as several Country Cookin' restaurants (whoooee that’s good eatin’). As an immigrant to Charm City, there have been several local customs that have been difficult for me to get used to, such as duck pin bowling, Baltimore Club music and lacrosse. They all still seem like bizarre rituals of a …

  Just across the street from our long struggling North Baltimore community of Remington, there now exists two conjoined businesses that are simultaneously bringing new life to the area—and excess fat to my gut. Sweet 27, formally Sweet Sin, and Meet 27, are a locally owned bakery and fine dining restaurant, respectively. Both locations are enjoying stellar reviews and are the only all-gluten-free eateries in Baltimore, which means I don’t need to take a nap after I gorge myself on their sesame chicken and house made cupcakes. “Part of the reason we decided to settle in Remington last year, …

Station North, I owe you an apology. When the title “Arts District” was bestowed upon you a few years back, I have to confess, I openly scoffed. Sure you had the (artist living space) Copy Cat building and the too cool for Hollywood cinema, the Charles Theater, but otherwise the only arts you seemed to have going for you back than was the art of inspiring epic tales of decadence and depravity spun within the walls of courtrooms, NA meetings, and writing sessions for The Wire.  Today however, I must humbly admit Station North, I am proud of you. In less than a decade you’ve gone from a …

If there is one thing a female pedestrian enjoys more than unsolicited sexual attention by a sleazy male stranger, it’s likely un-anesthetized dental surgery or something of the sort. That’s right fellas, believe it or not, the ladies of Baltimore do not often appreciate being publicly objectified by strange men with no other romantic plan of action. This long standing male tradition for idiots is no longer categorized with the condescendingly cute “cat calling” moniker; it’s been appropriately rechristened “street harassment”.  The term is employed by citizens throughout Baltimore and the …

Well Baltimore it’s looking like one of our best-known local traditions has come to an end. No, I’m not referring to the declining murder rate. I’m talking about something we actually enjoy—the annual journey of the enigmatic Poe Toaster. After a 60-year run, this mysterious, fun and downright bizarre yearly event has officially been declared to have gone the way of MySpace. If you don’t know what I’m talking about and perhaps assume the Poe Toaster is some kind of gothic, manic depressive kitchen appliance, allow me to enlighten you. Starting in 1949, a mysterious male figure began an annual…

Local comedian Jason Weems may be the most inspiring person I know (sorry Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino). For most of us, being a Baltimore City school teacher, a new father, or a full time standup comedian would be difficult undertakings. Jason Weems has taken upon himself to do all three, and still manages to be one of the nicest people you could hope to meet. When I asked Jason in a recent interview if he is at all familiar with the human concept of sleep he assured me he was before his son (Shawn Christopher) was born when he was fortunate enough to get in “about three hours a night…

When it comes to horror fiction, Baltimore is usually associated with only three names: Edgar, Allan and Poe. Though the writer never had much of a relationship with our city—except for dying and being buried in it—we of Baltimore have been touched by the memory of the troubled author like a descending razor pendulum on a French prisoner’s chest. We’ve even named our football team after his poem “The Raven”, as nothing exemplifies fierce, physical competition like gothic poetry in trochaic octameter. (Hey, why couldn’t the two worlds of athletics and goth culture have blended together so …

Maryland opponents of same-sex marriages, I want to offer you a wet, sloppy, slightly homoerotic thank you. That’s right. I owe you one, for making it so darn easy. As with most issues of blatant, state sanctioned discrimination, you just make it so effortless for folks like me to take sides, to feel self-righteous, and to tease mercilessly. Your adolescent arguments for why discrimination is sometimes ok are embarrassingly illogical. Your mean-spirited intolerance grants me access to mocking your views guilt free. Your outdated "moral" standards allow me to indulge my inner hippie, who so …

North Baltimore, I may have hit the big time! Don’t tell my roommates, but I recently snatched up what could be a very lucrative and life-changing piece of mail sent to our address. No, it’s not any of that “you may already be a winner” boloney. You’d have to be pretty gullible to fall for that nonsense. Instead I have, in my possession, what may prove to be the most important innovation ever bestowed upon man: A magical Jesus prayer rug that grants wishes! Yes indeed, the noble people at Saint Mathew’s Churches, a mail-based ministry operating out of Tulsa, OK, have blessed me with this …

Well, North Baltimore, it seems that with the recent acquittal of accused child murderer Casey Anthony, another brief era of American blood and guts courtroom obsession will soon be coming to a close. It won’t be long before this national bout of Casey Anthony fever will go the way of O.J.-itis, Menendez Mania and irritable Scott Peterson bowel syndrome. Soon our tabloid fodder shall return to simpler and relatively more innocent “pretty people,” issues like: “single or dating,” “diet or gastric bypass” and that old chestnut “anti-Semitic or just kidding.”   All the outrage and sympathy the …

North Baltimore, do you believe in miracles? Well, you shouldn’t because they don’t exist. It is true, however, that every now and then something so serendipitous occurs, it makes you think that maybe there is some divine force that cares more about the petty desires of the world’s more fortunate inhabitants than serious problems like famine and genocide. For North Baltimore’s indie-rock, hipster elite, such an event was recently announced. No, they are not getting a Goodwill Super Center in the area. And no, the state has not announced plans to devote government grant money to the cause of …

“Play Free Bird!” Free Bird!? You mean that southern rock power ballad by legendary country rockers, Lynard Skynard? Why, that wouldn’t be appropriate for this particular live music event! Oh, I see! You’re facetiously requesting it for humorous reasons based on the very irony of its inappropriateness. Hahahahahaha! Bravo, random guy at every concert I’ve ever attended. That one never gets old! Seriously, North Baltimore, can we please put the cult of inept requesting of Free Bird to rest? Perhaps this phenomenon was funny for a few minutes 20 years ago, but does it still need to be repeated …

Listen up, readers, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but you know that Masonic Temple on Charles Street? I heard from my neighbor that a secret order of lacrosse players keeps the body of Johns Hopkins cryogenically frozen in the basement. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Well, heed my words readers. Never buy fruit from the Waverly Farmers’ Market. My aunt’s friend’s boss got a melon from there and there was a human skull inside. It had something to do with local gang initiation rights. This really happened! Oh, and you know what else? Have you ever wondered why it’s called Druid Hill Park? …

If there’s one thing white, middle-class North Baltimoreans love more than the Book Thing, the Waverly Farmer’s market, Caleb Stine or Groupons, it's definitely not Denise Whiting. The shrewd, business juggernaut, who has taken legal action to ensure possession of the beloved Baltimore colloquialism “Hon,”as well as other related items, has infuriated locals with an intensity not seen since WYPR sacked Marc Steiner.  There’s been protesting, boycotting and media scrutiny aimed at Whiting and her popular 36th Street business, Café Hon. The flames were recently ignited again when she reasserted…

Rotunda Shopping Mall of Hampden, you have taken a lot of abuse over the years. You’ve been neglected, mistreated, talked badly about, and promised renovations that never materialized. I know it’s been a tough descent from your heyday Rotunda, but I want you to know this North Baltimorean still loves you. Of all of Hampden’s oddities you are the most unique. If only for your astonishing abundance of blandness, and that you are still in existence. You are truly bizarre. It’s not fair Rotunda, that other Hampden anomalies suck up all the weird-cred that defines the neighborhood. Rest assured …