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Politics & Government

Medical Marijuana Slightly Less Criminal

Humor columnist Mike Moran argues Maryland's medical marijuana laws would be funny if they weren't criminal.

Break out the Little Debbie’s and put on a rare bootlegged Phish album North Baltimore, its time to discuss medicinal marijuana.

Medical cannabis has been in the Maryland spotlight after Gov. Martin O’Malley signed Senate Bill 308 in March. The law allows debilitated Marylanders, who find relief in the green stuff, to be considered slightly less criminal by the state.

Sure, you still  have to purchase it on the black market, and you can still get arrested for possessing the stuff. But should you survive your stay at central booking, you might get off with a slap on the wrist, if you can prove you are in severe physical distress.

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What a victory.

I know what you’re thinking. "Mike just wants pot to be legal so he can find an excuse to pop on down to Rite Aid and spend the rest of the day hazily discussing the existential metaphors of David Lynch films, without fear of police buzz kill."

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Well, believe it or not, I actually have zero personal interest in the wacky tobaccy. I don’t smoke it, and I don’t want to smoke it. But I do have an interest in stupid legal prohibitions that are useless, irrational and downright cruel.

We understand you are in severe physical pain, and that cannabis is the only remedy. But we prefer you stick to good old fashioned, highly addictive, ultra-potent, synthetic narcotics like oxycodone and morphine.”

Why is there such a pot stigma?

In Maryland, you can receive a $1,000 fine and a year in prison for possessing a single gram. But it’s OK to advertise Smirnoff to children during halftime.

Thousands of annual deaths in America alone is one thing young man. But I'll be damned if you grow dreadlocks and start wearing that god-awful patchouli stuff in this house!

Even Baltimore native Montel Williams has stepped up to the plate to communicate to Maryland lawmakers that his experience with marijuana has been the only saving grace against his painful struggle with multiple sclerosis. In my opinion, this almost excuses his years of allowing bunk celebrity psychic Sylvia Browne to appear on his talk show and give false information to parents of missing children.

He must have been stoned to fall for her B.S.!

Montel is not the only one who finds pot to be the safest and most effective way of treating his debilitating aliment. There are many people out there suffering from cancer, diabetes, AIDS, spinal cord injury and many other conditions who could potentially be given the same new lease on life as the bald guy. 

The funny thing about the prohibition of medical marijuana in our state is that 72 percent of Maryland residents are in favor of legalization.

The only real reason the Maryland Department of Health and Mental Hygiene is reluctant to change current policy — other than the work it would take to control and provide the drug — is that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has yet to officially determine the stuff is safe and effective.

The real issue is the FDA has to test a drug so extensively that it takes forever to get anything approved. Citizens with painful illnesses and injuries are not allowed to freely decide to try unapproved drugs, even when they could possibly relieve their misery or save their lives.

Perhaps the most often cited reason for pot being treated as a societal evil is that it is considered a so-cxalled gateway drug. This may be true, but that’s only because the law forces purchasers to buy it from drug dealers. If you had to get  Ibuprofen or Folgers Crystals from a crack house, those may be considered gateway drugs as well.

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